I am an unashamed fan of nature. I love seeing deer on my morning walk through local woods, I enjoy taking the time to listen to birdsong, and I can’t help but hum the Mission Impossible theme as I watch squirrels running along the telephone wires near my house. To me, one of nature’s very finest spectacles is the murmuration performed by starlings at dusk. The way the thousands of birds soar, swoop and bank, seemingly reading each other’s minds, is truly breathtaking.
Many’s the time I have videoed the birds from my front doorway, but one evening I wandered outside to get a better view, with the aim of getting even more stunning footage. And so I did, but as I was in the middle of my Spielberg moment, something else snagged my curiosity – what was the odd splatting noise all around me as I filmed?
With horror, I realised lots of birds in a flock release lots of… matter, and I was in danger of being targeted by the latest strafing run. I fled for the house.
Bird droppings damage car paint
Next day, I walked out to my Skoda Yeti, and was brought to a shuddering halt by the true ghastliness of the sight that greeted me – the murmuration had had its way. As you can see from the above picture, It looked like I’d left it parked in the middle of a paintball skirmish, and bird muck is one of the worst things for paintwork if left unattended, so I had no option – the car had to be cleaned, and cleaned properly. So here’s how I did it, in seven steps.
It’s also worth noting that I don’t have a driveway, so everything I did was done on the street.
1) Rinse the car down
The first thing to do is to rinse the car’s bodywork and wheels. This will help to soften the dirt, making it easier to clean later on. Now, as I said, I have no driveway, so I carry out a large container of water, plus my portable jetwash. I use a battery-powered Worx Hydroshot system, which works (pardon the pun) brilliantly. It offers a variety of spray widths, plus a couple of pressure settings. There are numerous alternatives out there, however.
2) Apply alloy wheel cleaner
My car has alloy wheels, which get caked in unsightly and corrosive brake dust, so the best thing to apply is a dedicated alloy wheel cleaning solution. Kits usually come with a small brush, which allows you to get the liquid into all the nooks and crannies that modern alloys seem to be festooned with. Then it’s just a case of letting the chemicals do their thing while you get on with the next step – but always read the instructions in case the wheel cleaner needs to be washed off sooner.
3) Use a washing mitt to wash the car, from the top down
Long gone are my days of using a couple of large yellow sponges to wash my vehicles. They’re consigned to the back of the shed, and have been replaced by a washing mitt. A washing mitt generally has a softer side for general paintwork, and a more textured side that you can use to remove stubborn bugs and road detritus. And because your hand is inside it, you have much more control over the cleaning process. There’s also almost no chance of you dropping the mitt, whereas everyone will have memories of dropping a sponge onto wet gravel, and having to wash it thoroughly to ensure no stones are clinging on. As I mentioned, start at the top and work downwards, finishing off by giving the wheels a good clean.
4) Use a hose or jet wash to clean off the soapy water
Then it’s time to break out the jetwash or hose once more, and thoroughly rinse off the soapy water. It’s good to do this is quickly as possible, so that the suds don’t have a chance to dry on to your car’s panels, causing unsightly stains and streaks.
5) Dry off the car
In times past, a chamois leather would have been the car cleaner’s tool of choice when getting the remaining water off a car’s panels, but that’s less the case these days. Most people choose a microfibre towel to dry their car, because it’s lighter, absorbs more water, and is much easier to wring out than a traditional chamois.
There’s also a school of thought that says you can buy an electric blower (in effect a big hair dryer) to dry the car, but these are pretty expensive and only work if you have a power supply nearby, which I don’t.
6) Apply a coat of wax
Now comes the time to protect your car’s paintwork by applying a layer of wax or polish. I tend to use Autoglym, but most brands are applied in pretty much the same way.
So, I use one cloth to apply the polish sparingly to one panel at a time, then use a second (dry) cloth to buff the panel in a circular motion to bring out the shine. Again, you can use an electric or battery-powered polisher for this, but I get on fine with elbow grease.